my kids don’t respect you
A few weeks ago, I was reading on the couch after putting baby to bed when Pastor Ruse (or PR, from now on) got home from a late night run to Walmart and said,
“You’re really not going to like what I have to tell you.”
That’s how he usually starts off stories that he knows will make me upset.
“I talked to Patty tonight.”
Patty is a well-meaning youth group mom who is full of good ideas, strong opinions, and ready confrontations. I can never guess what she’s going to say, because she walks up with the same expression whether she’s going to compliment you, tell you someone died, or criticize you.
“What’d she say?”
He hemmed and hawed for a while, then said,
“She told me her daughter and her friend didn’t want to come to youth group last week because you were in charge of it. They didn’t like how last time, you couldn’t get the boys to respect you during the lesson.”
I was hurt.
A random string of events a month earlier had landed me in charge of youth group twice in three weeks while PR was gone. I could have canceled, but I didn’t because I knew the teens would be sad not to hang out.
The first week was a low key disaster. We have a few boys in our group who are mischievous, bordering on being bullies. They dumped snow on everyone else, and completely disregarded me when I told them to stop. The second week went much better—the boys were still a little bit wild, but no one ended up soaked.
Patty’s words stung because, deep down, I knew she was right. The boys didn’t respect me. Or, at least, they didn’t listen to me.
PR added his own thoughts, and concluded with,
“But I really think she’s just annoyed because they don’t respect her, and she’s taking it out on you. She told me a story about them not obeying her, and she was pretty upset about it.”
After a few days living with my initial reaction of hurt and anger, I realized what PR said was true. They don’t just not respect me, they don’t respect anyone. Not their parents, teachers, pastors, or any other authority in their lives. The problem, though it was directed at me in that moment, was much bigger than me.
Of course there are steps that I can take to help them respect me more, but I’m not responsible for fixing the issue, like Patty would have PR and me believe.
In a lot of my life, I try to look for the easy answer and the glass-half-full solution. But I’m learning that sometimes, as a pastor’s wife, I have to let God redeem my experiences instead of trying to fix them myself. This also means often they still hurt before I see the good in them.
It’s not a pain-free lesson, but there is a lot of beauty in watching God use a painful experience to make something better.
Pastor’s wife takeaway: Sometimes people will take out their frustrations on you when you’re not the root issue. Have grace.
Church member takeaway: Please self-reflect to discern the real issue before you blame your pastor.